The Neverending House Party

oh hey have some art and maybe some pictures of weird plants

OH NO DON’T READ I’M TALKING ABOUT A TV SHOW OH NO SPOILERS HELP AYUDA ME


How can a pocket-sized dickweed with a busted pimp limp who spent the back half of last season in the hospital be a convincing patsy for the Chesapeake Ripper? At some point did anyone think to check Chilton’s credit card statements for a) Damian Hearst’s craft supplies, b) a conspicuously large cherry tree, 3) a whole fucking operating theatre and 4) tickets, gas receipts or bus fare to Minnesota??

Why does an FBI trainee who spent two years in a hole developing PTSD have a 45cal handgun?

How does Jack Crawford have a job??

I literally watched this episode high on percocet and it still managed to come across as poorly conceived. But there’s a dog named Applesauce and that’s really cute so that alone earns this train wreck at least 3/5 stars. B-, would watch again but only if I have painkillers left.

Man, coming down off of the nice cocktail of painkillers I was prescribed post-surgery is an interesting process. I’m healing pretty nicely but I feel like someone has replaced my brain with a wad of soggy cotton. I still have half a bottle left of the best pez I’ve ever had but I’d like to rip off this proverbial band-aid sooner rather than later.

On the plus side, I have this cool ‘x’ scar like you’d see in a pirate cartoon. But unfortunately its on my bellybutton, which reduces the bad-ass factor from ‘captain kidd’ to ‘extra on the 4Kidz dub of One Piece’.

Still waiting on the results of some biopsies, but I’m waaaaay too out of it to care.

Okay, this turned into a wild ride.

I have, like, nine different eggs benedict recipes saved in a ‘BREAKFAST PUNS’ folder now. I was watching 80s-era Emeril make cajun-style eggs benedict on youtube when I realized how far I’d deviated from my original mission.

Now I want eggs benedict really badly but its almost midnight and I need to wake up for work at five tomorrow. I have only succeeded in making myself really hungry and i can’t even think of a good eggs benedict joke.

FUCK *throws computer out the window*

On an only marginally more serious note, the lead up to this surgery has demonstrated once and for all that my favored psychological coping mechanism is to behave like an immature, irreverent asshole when presented with circumstances outside of my control.

Thus, the fact that I’m a grown ass adult cackling my ass off about breakfast puns instead of getting some sleep. Because fuck sleep when I can read through a billion ways to prepare eggs on wikipedia in order to determine which one is the funniest proxy for saying ‘hey I just got an ovary burnt out with a fucking laser.’ Science is truly amazing.

Of not-quite-equal import: I need to come up with a good story for the abdominal scars. They look suspiciously like stab wounds, so I was thinking pirate fight, but since I don’t live close enough to the water I’m thinking that isn’t the most convincing story I can come up with.

So maybe I dropped my camera in the impala enclosure in the national zoo and had to fight the king impala to get my Nikon back. And I lost because I’m a wussy baby and I’ve never fought an antelope before—I think a week in the hospital for an impala impaling is about right for a cover story.

See, I’m down with breakfast puns. But the toast thing makes me squeamish if only because the surgery requires ACTUAL LASERS.

Which is METAL AS FUCK but also sort of discomforting.

*slow claps at egg pun*

That could be really great depending on how fucked up I am on pain killers. A joke that bad requires giggly delivery.

So I’m going under for diagnostic surgery on Friday but there’s an outside chance I could have an ovary removed if it’s in worse shape than my surgeon anticipates.

Naturally, I have been consumed by the following thought for the better part of the day: what is the female equivalent of one-balling it??? Is there one??? Because there should be.

Please tell me about or help me come up with a slang term for this condition, because I want to be prepared to break bad news to people in the most idiotic, childish way possible. I need closure about this issue before I go under the knife. Truly, I have devoted more thought to this problem than any other aspect of my post-operative care.

jonbutter:

askloki-supervengers111:

supernatural-fandomiser:

thorki:

askloki-supervengers111:

homovikings:

oh man :(
i, for one, am excited to see what danny devito will bring to the table. i hope he and chris hemsworth have good chemistry

You son of a bitch ^. This is fake. First off, tom loves Loki so much and said that he could go on for 9 movies if they’d let him. Second of all, marvel is not stupid enough to recast Loki and lose all that money. I hope there is a special place in hell for you.

askloki-supervengers111

i hope you’re right about it being fake. I just cried so much when i read that tweet. i though to myself “They’re making that thing play LOKI? NO FUCKING WAY. NO. LOKI IS SUPPOSED TO BE BEAUTIFUL WHICH MEANS HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE TOM HIDDLESTON” I did not mean offence to the Danny dude, but that just made me very upset that someone would do this. Tom is Loki and if he decides to leave, Marvel should just quit making the movies. There’s no Marvel if there’s no Tom

See I’m not the only one who got upset by this. So stop saying “it’s a joke, chill.” Because it wasn’t funny!






uuuuhhhhhhh what??? I would watch any movie where Danny DeVito plays Loki a million fucking times. Please, someone take all of my money and make this shit happen.

jonbutter:

askloki-supervengers111:

supernatural-fandomiser:

thorki:

askloki-supervengers111:

homovikings:

oh man :(

i, for one, am excited to see what danny devito will bring to the table. i hope he and chris hemsworth have good chemistry

You son of a bitch ^. This is fake. First off, tom loves Loki so much and said that he could go on for 9 movies if they’d let him. Second of all, marvel is not stupid enough to recast Loki and lose all that money. I hope there is a special place in hell for you.

askloki-supervengers111

i hope you’re right about it being fake. I just cried so much when i read that tweet. i though to myself “They’re making that thing play LOKI? NO FUCKING WAY. NO. LOKI IS SUPPOSED TO BE BEAUTIFUL WHICH MEANS HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE TOM HIDDLESTON” I did not mean offence to the Danny dude, but that just made me very upset that someone would do this. Tom is Loki and if he decides to leave, Marvel should just quit making the movies. There’s no Marvel if there’s no Tom

See I’m not the only one who got upset by this. So stop saying “it’s a joke, chill.” Because it wasn’t funny!

image

uuuuhhhhhhh what??? I would watch any movie where Danny DeVito plays Loki a million fucking times. Please, someone take all of my money and make this shit happen.

(via raaynee)

mythchief:

happy-avocado:

aye-lemme-whisper-in-yo-ear:

kushdrinker:

have u ever tried to look cool in front of ur friends and u image

i have been laughing at this for 10 minutes straight. 

both his pants and underwear came off how did he even manage

Nothing on this dumb website has made me laugh harder than this.